No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
