did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
