is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
