I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
