I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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