Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
