I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
