you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
