So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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