are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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