My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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