seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
