so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
