WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize