some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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