Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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