Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
