Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
