If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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