She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
