I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
