Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
