I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
