My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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