i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
