yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize