I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
