if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
