Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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