got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
