did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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