what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
