You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I look better un-naked...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
