i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
