Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
