And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
