If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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