My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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