I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
