dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
