A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
