i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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