My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
