so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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