I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
