i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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