so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
