his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
