tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
