So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
