Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
