didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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