I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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