That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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