you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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