"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
