hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
