If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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